Losing Myself in Motherhood: How I'm Finding My Way Back

Motherhood has a way of shaking you to your core. It can unravel everything you thought you knew about yourself and leave you standing there, in the middle of the chaos, wondering, Who am I now?

Before I had kids, I thought I had a pretty solid grasp on my identity. I was a police officer, strong, capable, purpose-driven. My job defined me. It gave me structure, camaraderie, and a sense of making a difference in the world. And then, in what felt like an instant, that world was gone. I stepped away from policing after my second pregnancy, knowing deep down it was the right choice. But just because something is right doesn’t mean it’s easy.

The transition from full-time cop to full-time mum felt like slamming into a brick wall. One day, I was in uniform, responding to emergencies, making split-second decisions, feeling like I was someone. The next, I was at home with a newborn and a toddler, running on fumes, drowning in nappies, and completely unsure of where I fit in anymore.

When Motherhood Feels Like Losing Yourself

No one really prepares you for the identity shift that comes with becoming a mother. You go from being a one person, someone with goals, structure, and a social life, to being needed every second of the day.

Your time isn’t your own. Your body isn’t your own. Even your thoughts aren’t always your own because somehow, everything comes back to your kids.

I remember standing in the kitchen one morning, making toast for my toddler with one hand while rocking my newborn with the other. I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the window: messy bun, tired eyes, wearing the same leggings I’d slept in and my husbands shirt because none of my clothes fit me yet. And it hit me like a tonne of bricks:

“I don’t even recognise myself anymore.”

That moment was terrifying. Had I completely disappeared? Was I only a mum now?

And then came the guilt. Because here’s the thing, I love being a mum. More than anything in the world. But loving motherhood doesn’t mean it’s not hard.

It’s okay to grieve your old self.

It’s okay to miss the person you used to be.

It’s okay to feel lost, even when you’re deeply grateful for the little people who made you a mum.

How I Started Finding Myself Again

For a long time, I just accepted that I was lost. That this was just how motherhood was, a constant sacrifice, never enough time, always putting yourself last.

But then I started asking myself: What if it didn’t have to be this way? What if I could love my children fiercely and still hold on to pieces of myself?

Slowly, I started rebuilding myself in a new way.

• I started writing and sharing my journey online, connecting with other mums who felt the same way.

• I gave myself permission to need things outside of motherhood, even if that was just a quiet coffee alone or a late-night shop, just browsing stores until close.

• I leaned into the bigger picture, reminding myself that my worth isn’t measured by how much I do for my family, but by who I am as a person.

And most importantly, I started seeing that motherhood wasn’t about losing myself. It was about becoming someone new.

What I Wish I Knew Back Then

If I could go back and sit with the version of me who was drowning in that season, the one who felt invisible, exhausted, and unsure of herself, this is what I’d tell her:

1. You Are More Than Just “Mum”

Your identity doesn’t disappear the moment you have kids. You’re still YOU, just evolving into a new version. Give yourself time to meet her.

2. You Deserve a Life Outside of Motherhood

It doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t make you a bad mum. Your children don’t need a burnt-out, depleted version of you, they need a mum who remembers how to take care of herself, too.

3. Stop Waiting for Someone to Save You

I spent so long waiting for my old self to magically return. But the truth is, no one is coming to rescue you from this feeling. You have to take small steps to reclaim yourself. Even if it’s just one tiny thing each day that’s just for you.

4. Find Your People

Motherhood is a lonely road if you try to do it alone. Find the women who get it. Whether it’s online, in a mum group, or just one solid friend... lean on them.

5. Let Go of the Guilt

You are doing enough. You are enough. Your worth isn’t defined by how much you get done in a day. Some days, just showing up is the win.

Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Break you.

If you’re feeling lost right now, I want you to know: you won’t feel this way forever.

Motherhood will change you, yes. But you are not disappearing. You are becoming. It’s okay to grieve who you were before but don’t forget to welcome who you’re becoming.

Because she? She’s worth knowing.